The Identity Gap Keeping You Stuck in Old Patterns

When was the last time you actually followed through on what you learned?

If you're like most driven high-achievers I know, you've probably attended leadership trainings, read transformative books, watched inspiring videos, and walked away energized and ready for change.
And then, within days or weeks, you found yourself right back in your old patterns.

If you've ever wondered what's happenining, here's what I've learned: the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it isn't about information. It's about self image. And until you close that gap, you'll keep recycling the same behaviors while expecting different results.

The Habit - Self-Image Connection

In his famous speech "The Common Denominator of Success," insurance executive Albert E.N. Gray said something that still holds true decades later:

"Every single qualification for success is acquired through habit. People form habits and habits form futures. If you do not deliberately form good habits then unconsciously you will form bad ones. You are the kind of person you are because you have formed the habit of being that kind of person, and the only way to change is through changing habits."

He was right. Habits determine your future. But here's what modern psychology and neuroscience add: habits flow from self-image.  Your current self-image is the subconscious mental picture of who you are. It's an inner blue-print that determines your identity, your personality and the kind of person you are.

And you act in ways that are consistent with your inner self-image and who you are.

The Identity You're Protecting

When I worked in the corporate world, I noticed something that initially surprised me. The most talented leaders would learn cutting-edge strategies, get genuinely excited about implementing them, and then after a few weeks for some of them, the excitement would fizzle out.

They weren't lazy and they weren't uncommitted. But here's the truth: their inner self-image wasn't yet a match for their new goals and strategies.

If you see yourself as someone who's always overlooked, you'll validate your current self-image with habits and behaviors that reinforce your belief. Maybe you'll downplay your contributions or not advocate for yourself. These self-sabotating habits are not because you want to be overlooked. They're because your habits are consistent with your current self-image.

Every Action Is a Vote

James Clear, author of the bestselling book Atomic Habits, frames it perfectly: "Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become."

Think about that: every single action is casting a vote.

For example, when you check your email first thing in the morning instead of working on your strategic priorities, you're voting for being reactive instead of proactive.

Or when you say "yes" to a meeting that doesn't align with your goals because you're worried about disappointing someone, you're voting for showing up like a people-pleaser instead of being a decisive leader.

Your habits aren't random. They're reinforcing your current self-image. It's subconscious.

The Pattern You Keep Repeating

Here's how this shows up: you attend a leadership training and learn powerful frameworks for delegation and strategic thinking. You're energized and you see exactly how this could transform your effectiveness.
Then you get back to your desk. Your inbox is overflowing. Someone needs an immediate answer. Then a crisis pops up. And before you know it, you're right back in reactive mode, doing everything yourself, operating exactly like you did before the training.

Please understand that this isn't failure. This is what happens when you try to build new habits without first adopting a new self-image.

The Future Self You're Not Becoming

Your future self, the version of you that's already achieved what you're working toward, has different habits than you do right now. That's obvious.

But here's what's less obvious: your future self also has a different self-image.  It's an upleveled self-image from your current one.

The respected strategic leader doesn't check email first thing in the morning because their identity is aligned with proactive leadership, not reactive firefighting.

The trusted advisor doesn't say yes to every request because their identity is grounded in high-value impact, not people-pleasing.

The transformational executive doesn't just consume information because their identity is about implementation and results, not learning for learning's sake.

Your habits will never consistently outperform your self-image. You might force yourself to act differently for a while through sheer willpower, but eventually, you'll snap back to behaviors that match who you believe you are.

The Self-Image Shift That Changes Everything

So how do you actually change?

You start by getting clear on your future self's identity. Who are your at your core:  your inner self-image?

When you're about to check email first thing in the morning, you pause and ask: what would a strategic leader do right now? They'd work on their most important priority first.

When you're about to say yes to a request that doesn't align with your goals, you pause and ask: what would a decisive executive do right now? They'd decline respectfully and redirect.

Every action is a vote. Make sure you're voting for the identity you want, not the one you're trying to leave behind.

Your Next Step
Look at your calendar from last week. Look at how you spent your time, where your attention went, what you said yes to and what you said no to.

Now ask yourself: what self-image do these habits reflect?

Not the identity you want to have. The identity your behaviors are actually reinforcing. Because here's the truth: you can attend every training, read every book, and learn every framework.

But until you build habits that match your future self's identity, you'll keep recycling the same patterns.
Your habits aren't the problem. Your self-image is. Change who you believe you are, and your habits will follow naturally.

That's not motivation. That's how transformation actually works.

If you want to explore becoming your future self, watch my video: