How to Set Boundaries

Do you agree to things that you later regret? And do you accept activities, projects or even behavior from other people that you subsequently resent?

If you're like how I used to be, maybe it's time for you to be more skilled at setting boundaries.

Then keep reading because you’re going to learn three steps to setting boundaries. This is important because even high-achievers can have flimsy boundaries.

Warren Buffet once said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."

Unlike physical boundaries, personal boundaries are often invisible.  For example, in real estate, you typically know where your property ends and your neighbor’s property starts. And property is often demarcated by a fence, trees, a road or other concrete markers. And it’s also officially recorded.

But in personal boundaries, those lines of demarcation are more nebulous. Boundaries are often invisible and that makes personal boundaries more challenging. Therefore, it's up to you to be clear about and express your boundaries.

Let's address how to set boundaries and then apply them.

Step #1:  Clarify your goals and values

It's essential that you have goals. When I work with my clients, they learn to set big, bold goals they want to achieve in the next 12 months to three years.  I also encourage them to have 90-day or quarterly goals that are aligned with their long-term goals because these inform their daily actions.

In the past, I had big, bold dreams for my life but I wasn’t consistent about my goals. And unconsciously I would agree to things that weren't aligned with my dreams. Then at the end of the year I'd wonder why I wasn't getting closer to my dreams. 

Things changed for me when a mentor taught me to set clear long-term and short-term goals that align with my vision of the future, to write my goal statement and to review it daily.  It's powerful. And in turn, now I teach this  to my clients.

Now I am feel more empowered to "say no" or politely decline what's not aligned with my goals and values.

Step #2:  Decide what is "okay" and what is "not okay'

Brene Brown once said “You’ve got to become clear for yourself what’s okay and what’s not okay. (1)

Years ago I read an article in Fortune Magazine about investment manager and professional, Bill Gross, at Pimco. He managed hundreds of billions of dollars of investments. But what impressed me was that every single day at work from 8:30am until 10am, he walked across the street to the gym and he did yoga and exercises for an hour and a half. And it was not okay to interrupt him. He explained that in 30 years of going to the gym every day of the work week, he was only interrupted two or three times and one of those times was the 1987 market crash. (2) In other words, that was a boundary. It was "not okay" to interrupt him. This was time during which he did some of his most important thinking.

What’s "okay" and what’s "not okay" for you, to support you in achieving your goals and dreams?

Step #3: Express your boundaries

Finally, it's improtant to express your boundaries and be consistent. This can be hard, especially if you're someone who wants to please other people.  But it's essential to articulate your boundaries.

It takes courages but you can learn to express what's "not okay" in a polite and friendly tone. 

For example,

• maybe if you work from home, you clarify with others in your household when it's "okay" and "not okay" to interrupt you;
• perhaps at work, you decline meetings that are not aligned with what's essential to your priorities or your role;
• maybe you articulate clear expectations about how others can work with you.

Boundaries are essential

As Robert Heinlein once said, “In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.”

I truly believe that exceptional is inside of you. And setting boundaries is an important tool inorder to allow the exceptional in you to rise to the surface!

Learn more about when to say "no" here:

NOTES:

(1) First Aid Arts: Boundaries with Brene Brown (6 years ago). (Accessed on Vimeo.com on 07/20/2024).

(2) Fortune on CNNMoney.com (March 16, 2006) How I Work: Bill Gross Chief Investment Officer, Pimco. Executive summary: Cut through the noise. Interviewed by Jon Birger (Accessed on 07/20/2024).